"I'll be baked."
It’s no secret that I’ve been battling my evil bread machine for the last two months.
And by “battling,” I mean it’s been kicking my ass. With steel toed boots on. And not in the ass, but in the face.
My every attempt at a fluffy, tasty loaf of bread resulted in a big fat FUCK YOU from the machine. The loaves, despite modifying ingredients to correlate with the temperature/humidity of my kitchen (yeah, I got Bill Nye on that bitch) were always sad, saggy, and deflated.
This can only mean one thing. My Oster was sent from the future to destroy me. And it nearly did.
But this weekend, I gave a bit fat FUCK YOU right back to the bread machine. I baked a loaf of bread the old fashioned way, sans machine. And the results were optimal. The bread rose, rose some more, and baked to perfection.
While the Oster T800 sat unused in a corner.
So sometime in the near future, I might throw it into a pool of molten metal and watch it dissolve. And I’m going to eat a sandwich made from my home baked bread and laugh as it’s glowing eyes sink below the surface.
It smells like victory.
Tags: baking bread, bread machine, bread makers suck, deflated bread, oster bread maker
Skynet makes a mean waffle iron though.