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Alaca-sandwich! Gandolfo’s food truck saved me from starvation.

21 Feb

For months I’ve heard folks rave about Gandolfo’s food truck in Dallas. From what I know, Gandolfo’s is a NYC deli that’s spreading its Yankee flavor past the New York border via trucks as opposed to brick and morter shops.

Their sandwiches are really good according to oodles of folks I know (and they have two vegetarian options, hooray), but that’s not what I care about.

I like the name Gandolfo’s. Because it sounds like a wizard.

And not some badass, fantastic, Lord of the Rings wizard like Gandolf. It sounds like some cute, goofy wizard who does mere parlor tricks because his skills are just sub-par. He’s Merlin’s little brother or something.

He’s the Gob Bluth of wizards.

“I am the Great Gandolfo! And I shall slice these mushrooms with my magic.”

Perhaps that’s the gag. Gandolfo can only do magic in the kitchen. And that magic is pretty much sandwich specific.

Anyway, I had no lunch last week and no idea where to eat. So I googled “Dallas Food Truck” assuming Gandolfo’s would climb to the top. And it did. So I hopped on Twitter and found them, then walked and ordered a Madison Square Garden sandwich—or whatever NY-themed name it had. It had mushrooms and all kinds of goodness on it. My cashier, however, wasn’t covered in flowing white hair and gigantic, glittery stars like I’d hoped. But you can’t have it all.

However, my sandwich was good and I’ll probably visit the truck again in the future.

Gandolfo’s does’t have an official website but it does have a Facebook page. You can also track it on Twitter.

With my amazing powers, I shall ... toast your bread.

Yep, the writer of “Yummy Awesome” hates the word “yum.”

15 Feb

Let’s talk about the word yummy and its gross overuse.

When the Dirty Canadian and I were coming up with silly names for this blog, the phrase Yummy Awesome slipped out of one of us. And it was so abysmally ridiculous, so incredibly childish, and so innocently funny that we had to use it.

We can also admit that at times, we are as equally ridiculous, childish, and funny.

Yummy isn’t a serious word and this was never intended to be a serious blog. So the word was perfect.

But there are countless ass clowns out there who use the word seriously. And constantly. And without any other words around it.

And it pisses me off. So fucking much.

This all started with Pinterest. Everyone is creaming their corn over this site so I had to check it out. (I’m in fucking advertising. It’s my fucking job. Don’t fucking judge me.) And I keep seeing professionally shot photos of professionally art directed food pop up that are pinned by my “friends.” And the categories and comments are ALWAYS one of the following:

  • Yum!!!!!
  • Yummy!!!!!
  • So Yummy!
  • YuMMMMM!!!! :) :)
  • !!!!!!Yummy in my Tummy!!!!!!! OMG!
  • This is yummy.
  • Yummmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy sugar-coated beef, Batman, is it really that hard to use another word? People are yumming all over themselves. There’s hot, sticky yum everywhere.

Stop using yum. Get a fucking thesaurus and expand your vocabulary. There are countless ways to express great flavor.

Tasty. Delicious. Fucking good!

Delectable. Tempting. Finger-licking.

Scrumptious. Appetizing. Flavorful.

Shit! Just say, “Food that looks good.” Or “Things I want to lick.” Or possibly, “Put this in my fucking mouth right the fuck now.”

Instead of labeling cakes and candies (that you’ll never ever in a thousand years be able to replicate, by the way, because you won’t get the fuck off of Pinterest) as “YUM@!!!!AFSDT#QR~Q!@!#!!!

I’m so sick of the word yummy. And I write for a food blog called Yummy Awesome. Is that the bitter taste of irony?

V-Day has nothing to do with vegetarianism.

14 Feb

Valentine’s Day is all about love, right?

Love between lovers. Love between friends. Love between man and candy.

I have the first two covered, but the third one breaks my heart. Because many of the best Valentine’s treats are not veggie-friendly.

Cue the saddest fucking violins to ever play music.

One of my favoritest (yep, it’s a word now) Valentine’s candies is Necco Sweethearts. You know the ones with little saying on them. They’re also called conversation hearts.

Well, they’re chock full of gelatin.

I haven’t had a Sweetheart in years. And I miss them like an old friend. Especially the white ones because they had a hint of mint flavoring.

Sure, I could probably cheat and eat them in my closet when my husband is away and no one would ever know. But I can’t do that. Because the guilt would consume me quicker than I could down a box of those tiny, sugary hearts.

It’s okay, though. This tiny box of gelatin-free chocolates will have to sate my sweet tooth for now. And at 10 AM, I’ve already eaten five of those.

Gelatin ruins every holiday.

Yeah, I ate chia. No, I’m not proud of myself.

7 Feb

The famous pottery that grows is now the “it” snack. Chia seeds are supposedly high in protein, high in fiber, and not terrible when it comes to taste.

The other night, a good friend presented a bag of chia* to me and said that it was to be our dessert.

I was half intrigued and half scared. After all, my experiences with quinoa make me nervous about super healthy stuff.

But she poured some sweetened almond milk over the seeds and they soaked it up and turned into some tapioca-like substance. And truth be told, it wasn’t bad.

I would actually say it was good.

Although I kept half expecting a garden to grow in my mouth.

I had a Chia head when I was a teenager. Fucking thing attracted fruit flies like you wouldn’t believe. But I never ever thought of harvesting it and eating it (probably because I was too busy batting at flies). I also had a Chia herb garden that grew many herbs, however none of which were Chia. Fun side story, the garden was eaten by a cat named Spice.

Anyway, I ate chia for dessert. And I didn’t die.

Will I eat chia again? Perhaps I will. But I demand to eat it off of a ceramic animal next time.

 

*I have no idea when I’m supposed to capitalize the word or not. And I’m too damn lazy today to think about it any further.

Eat me.

The Ingredients of your Ingredients

1 Feb

So, what the fuck is in your food?

Some pretty nasty shit. Here’s to decoding some of the myth of food mix-ins. Get your barf bucket handy.

 

Propylene glycol: This chemical is very similar to ethylene glycol, a dangerous anti-freeze. This less-toxic cousin  prevents products from becoming too solid. Some ice creams have this  ingredient; otherwise you’d be eating ice.

 

Carmine: Commonly found in red food coloring, this chemical comes from crushed cochineal, small red beetles that burrow into cacti. Husks of the beetle are ground up and forms the basis for red coloring found in foods ranging from cranberry juice to M&Ms.

 

Shellac: Yes, this chemical used to finish wood products also gives some candies their sheen. It comes from the female Lac beetle.

 

L-cycsteine: This common dough enhancer comes from hair, feathers, hooves and bristles.

 

Lanolin (gum base): Next time you chew on gum, remember this. The goopiness of gum comes from lanolin, oils from sheep’s wool that is also used  for vitamin D3 supplements.

 

Silicon dioxide: Nothing weird about eating sand, right? This anti-caking agent is found in many foods including shredded cheese and fast food chili.

 

Taken from The Sideshow, a blog on Yahoo!

Written by Eric Pfieffer.

Don’t advertise almonds and give me peanuts!

1 Feb

One of my absolute favorite snacks is Emerald’s Cocoa Roast Almonds.

I eat them like they’re the last thing I’m ever going to eat. And they’re even better partnered with bananas.

So on set today when I saw the bag of Emerald’s Breakfast On The Go–Chocolate Cherry Blend with Coco Roast Almonds, I about shat myself.

I mean granola, cherries, chocolate, and my favorite almonds! How could this go wrong?

Well, for starters, there were only three … THREE … cocoa roast almonds in the bag. And the mixture was probably 70 percent peanuts.

Not that I have anything against peanuts, but when I’m told I’m getting almonds, don’t give me fucking peanuts. Give me my goddamn almonds.

Is this Trail Mix or a Christmas Special?

The Edible Stadium – Equal Parts Impressive and Gross

31 Jan

Are those Twinkies? Too bad. Guess you'll have to make it with something else from now on.

I only have two things to say about this.

1) I wish it was more proportional to a real football field.

2) This is why you’re fucking fat.

There’s nothing good about Guy Fieri, except him eating backwards.

27 Jan

Guy Fieri is horrifying. How does his hair do that thing it does? Can he possibly wear more man jewelry? What gorilla crushed his trachea and sinuses to give his voice both gruffness and a nasal tone?

And for fuck’s sake, either stop wearing those fucking sunglasses on of the back of your head or don’t wear them at all you bleached-out, sell-out assclown.

Now that all of the vitriol is out of the way, here’s a great video from Team Coco of Guy Fieri eating things in reverse. Sorry it isn’t embedded. I have no idea what’s going on lately with copy/paste html.

Guy Fieri Eating Backwards

Never again shall you have to pause your video game to eat.

26 Jan

Hey, Xbox players, good news! If you like Hot Pockets, gluttony, and Halo but weren’t sure how to fuse them all together without coming up for air, here’s the product for you!

(There’s supposed to be a video here, but the HTML is buggered. And I don’t know enough HTML to fix it. So click on the following link if you don’t see the player.)

http://revision3.com/html5player-v10633

So this guy, Ben Heck, mods Xboxes. And he had the idea to create an Xbox 360 (pronounced three-sixty for you non-gamers) controller that holds a Hot Pocket. And dispenses it!

Do you read excitement in my words! Because you’d be wrong. I’m disgusted!

Probably because I’m a PlayStation fan and I think Hot Pockets are just gigantic Totino’s Pizza Rolls. Which are also gross.

Bagel Bites, on the other hand, were genius and responsible for me getting through middle school.

My birthday is around the corner.

24 Jan

So the big question is, which flavor of birthday pie should I get this year?

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