It’s no secret that the folks here at Yummy Awesome Headquarters* are avid beer drinkers. And what better way to celebrate the beautiful science of brews than Big Texas Beer Fest?
This sudsy celebration is going to feature so many craft and micro brews, you’re going to need a bigger stomach.
So if you’re looking for something to do this Saturday in the Dallas area, or you just want to be amongst other beer nerds, take the train to Fair Park.
The fun starts at 1 (or noon if you get the VIP ticket) in the Automobile Building.
Vintage Queen of Awesome. Anyone who knows me know will be shocked by my hair.
While living in the dorms, Dr. Brew and I were the most popular chicks on our floor.
Because we had a mother fucking five pound Hershey bar.
A friend’s parents gave it to me for Christmas that year. And when word got around on our all-female floor that the second room from the end of the hall had all that chocolate, we got many visitors.
Many visitors.
We’d be sitting at our computers–probably playing the Sims instead of writing essays, probably IMing each other from across the room–and there’d be a knock at the door. We wouldn’t even have to guess what that person wanted.
We let whoever it was enter. They’d see the gigantic Hershey wrapper, and they’d drool. “Want a piece?” one of us would ask while the other one hacked at the chocolate with a dull-as-hell butter knife.
Because the answer was always yes.
The gigantic Hershey bar didn’t tast any different than a regular-sized bar or a Hershey Kiss. It was just novel and funny.
But even with the help of 60+ women (and a handful of guy friends, we weren’t sexist) all feigning for that massive mound of milk chocolate, it took almost the entire semester to get rid of it.
I honestly don’t think I’ve had a regular Hershey bar since.
Way back in 2002, Dr. Brew and I were sharing a dorm room, a food shelf, and a mini fridge. And one fateful day, she carried in a 12-pack of Pepsi Twist.
Please note that in the on-going battle (created by ad agencies more so than consumers) between Coke and Pepsi, I’ve always sided with the red can. After all, it’s so Uh-mer-can.
But there was something about adding lemon to soda, even if it was overly sweet Pepsi, that was intriguing to me. So we popped open a few cans, took some swigs, and addiction was born.
I went from drinking maybe a soda a month to guzzling down two or three a day. After I drank all of her Pepsi, I actually had to go buy some myself to replace it. I don’t think I had ever in my life purchased a multi-pack of pop. Yeah, I fucking said “pop” and I’m from Texas. Confused?
But that shit was so good. And I freaking needed it! I’ve never tried heroine, but I’m going to go balls out and say that it’s something like Pepsi Twist.
The whole thing was funny at first–two skinny freshman just giggling and drinking Pepsi Twist. But then we started neglecting our studies. Instead of writing our essays and prepping for tests, we’d just lay on the couch and suck Pepsi Twist through straws. Then we quit going to work, so paying for the Pepsi Twist proved difficult, but by not spending money on food we managed to get by for a little while. Then we naturally had to turn to prostitution. As our teeth rotted from all of the corn syrup sweetener and our bones became brittle, all we could think about was our next lemony fix.
Eventually, when we awoke one day in a sticky soda puddle in an ally somewhere, one of us wised up and said, “We need to quit this shit.” So we did.
Then we discovered Vanilla Coke.
I have been Pepsi Twist sober for almost ten years now.
I can’t honestly tell you what the fuck an antioxidant is. I can tell you that you’re supposed to eat them like candy (but not really because apparently it’s bad to just eat candy like crazy).
I just recently read an article about how popcorn is so jam-packed with antioxidants that it makes hydrated fruits and vegetables look like cardboard.
Am I going to link to the article? Hell no. But you should trust me on this.
So go eat more popcorn. Just lay off the butter a bit, you know, so you don’t undo all of that good antioxidant goodness.
This is by far the worst Photoshopping I've ever done. Magnitude and popcorn, you deserve better.
First off, I can’t believe I actually found this commercial. I fucking love the Internet.
Second, I opened my pantry the other day to see a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese hanging out on the shelf with my polenta, almonds, and various jars of stuff.
I can’t remember the last time I had Kraft Mac & Cheese. Maybe in college? My freshman year is when Easy Mac entered the market. It was billed as a snack, but for Dr. Brew, PhD. and me (who were perpetually poor and always hungry … being 18 and in a dorm will do that to you), that shit was a meal. All we had to do was run down the hall to the community bathrooms, get just the right amount of water, dump it into the plastic Easy Mac cup, microwave, and … probably get some sort of disease. There’s no way it was good for us.
But we ate it all the damn time.
And we’re both still alive.
Anyway, since I’ve become an adult (note: ha!), my palate has become a bit more discriminating, and microwaving plastic scares me to death (although the inside of the microwave is plastic–what the fucking fuck?).
If I’ve eaten macaroni and cheese as of late, it’s been with cream and cheese–not the powdered stuff from a blue box. But truth be told, I haven’t even made macaroni and cheese in years.
So staring at that blue box brought back some fond memories of standing on a stool in my mom’s kitchen. Throwing a dollup of sour cream into the bowl (because Mom says that made it better). And then probably eating the entire box because a kid knows dick about serving size.
Holding the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in my hands, I directed a question to the King of Awesome, who had now joined me in the kitchen.
“Why’d you get this?”
“I thought we could treat ourselves,” he answered, followed by a little hug.
It was so cute and so sweet, but I still eyeballed the ingredients on the box fearing what I’d find. But then I decided to relax. One powdered packet of cheese isn’t going to kill me.
Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day! Except for those dipshits guzzling down green beer.
If you’re going to celebrate on Saturday, attend a parade, or pinch those who aren’t sporting shades of emerald, please don’t drink green beer.
Because there is nothing Irish about green beer.
Sure, dumping food coloring into your Bud Light may seem fun and cute. But it’s stupid. Because no self-respecting Irish person would even touch a green beer.
In fact, when I spent an actual St. Patrick’s Day in actual Ireland, there was no such thing as green beer. Such an atrocity would have ended with a person being beaten with a shillelagh and shoved into the paddy wagon.
So this Saturday, shun the tasteless, artificially colored piss water known as American Lager and enjoy something truly Irish. Here, I’ll give you some beers to order at the bar/restaurant while you’re throwing beads at people like it’s Mardi Gras.
Irish Beers to Drink in Lieu of Green American Lagers:
Guinness. It’s the go-to Irish beer. Dark, malty, delicious.
Harp Lager. It’s lighter, so you beer drinkers who don’t really like beer (Coors, Miller, and Budweiser drinkers) might actually like it. Bonus, it’s real beer, unlike Coors, Miller, and Budweiser.
Murphy’s Stout. Like Guinness, but sweeter and lighter. There’s a hint of chocolate (mmm) and coffee.
Smithwick’s Red Ale. Pronounced smid-icks. Don’t you dare say smith-wicks. You’ll get punched, and deservedly so.
Kilkenny Cream Ale. Sweet, creamy, and mild. It’s pretty, too.
So there you have it–five ways to look less douchey as you paint yourself green and stumble around on the streets celebrating whatever-the-fuck it is you celebrate on St. Patrick’s Day. (And for those of you not blessed with Irish Blood, it’s when St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland.)
I try to stay away from artificial sweeteners because, you know, they’re artificial. But I couldn’t resist trying Apple Pie gum by Extra Dessert Delights (what a fucking stupid name, by the way).
The first few chews had that weird aspartame taste, but after that I’ll be damned if the gum didn’t really taste like apple pie.
It was odd.
There were hints of green apples, cinnamon, nutmeg, and even a bit of butter. If it didn’t have a gummy texture, I’d swear it was one of those little pocket pies you get at the gas station.
There’s no telling what satanic chemicals were used to create the near-authentic flavors of a true apple pie. But whatever they are, the results are impressive.
Happy Pi(e) Day, everyone. Go get yourself some gum.
Some man (read: asshat) in Livonia, MI, sued an AMC theatre because of a movie snack tab. Various articles report he paid eight dollars for popcorn and a soda. Some say popcorn and Goobers. Some say that he didn’t buy anything but was pissed he couldn’t bring in outside eats.
But they all said he hired a lawyer and is suing. Over popcorn.
Are you fucking kidding me? We all know popcorn is delicious. We all know movie snacks are expensive—they have to be! Theatres don’t make tons of money on the actual ticket prices, after all. Their profits come from the sugary and salty treats.
But even still, to sue? Over a Lincoln and some Washingtons?
This is why people hate our country. Because we’re fucking brats with swizzle sticks up our asses.
“He got tired of being taken advantage of,” the asshat’s lawyer told the the Detroit Free Press. “It’s hard to justify prices that are three and four times higher than anywhere else.”
Louis Vuitton handbags cost like a thousand times more than the cheap handbag I schlep around, and you don’t see me crying blood all over the place.
Besides, has this guy even tasted movie theatre popcorn? It’s like crunchy pieces of angel wings. It’s totally worth the upcharge in my humble opinion.
Recent Comments