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V-Day has nothing to do with vegetarianism.

14 Feb

Valentine’s Day is all about love, right?

Love between lovers. Love between friends. Love between man and candy.

I have the first two covered, but the third one breaks my heart. Because many of the best Valentine’s treats are not veggie-friendly.

Cue the saddest fucking violins to ever play music.

One of my favoritest (yep, it’s a word now) Valentine’s candies is Necco Sweethearts. You know the ones with little saying on them. They’re also called conversation hearts.

Well, they’re chock full of gelatin.

I haven’t had a Sweetheart in years. And I miss them like an old friend. Especially the white ones because they had a hint of mint flavoring.

Sure, I could probably cheat and eat them in my closet when my husband is away and no one would ever know. But I can’t do that. Because the guilt would consume me quicker than I could down a box of those tiny, sugary hearts.

It’s okay, though. This tiny box of gelatin-free chocolates will have to sate my sweet tooth for now. And at 10 AM, I’ve already eaten five of those.

Gelatin ruins every holiday.

Never again shall you have to pause your video game to eat.

26 Jan

Hey, Xbox players, good news! If you like Hot Pockets, gluttony, and Halo but weren’t sure how to fuse them all together without coming up for air, here’s the product for you!

(There’s supposed to be a video here, but the HTML is buggered. And I don’t know enough HTML to fix it. So click on the following link if you don’t see the player.)

http://revision3.com/html5player-v10633

So this guy, Ben Heck, mods Xboxes. And he had the idea to create an Xbox 360 (pronounced three-sixty for you non-gamers) controller that holds a Hot Pocket. And dispenses it!

Do you read excitement in my words! Because you’d be wrong. I’m disgusted!

Probably because I’m a PlayStation fan and I think Hot Pockets are just gigantic Totino’s Pizza Rolls. Which are also gross.

Bagel Bites, on the other hand, were genius and responsible for me getting through middle school.

Whoa, so 2012, when did that happen?

2 Jan

If you’re a devoted enough Yummy Awesome reader (which let’s be honest, there are like four of you … and we sincerely love you with chocolate-coated kisses), you may have noticed a lapse in posts over the holidays.

For that, we’re sorry. We’re very sorry. But as you can imagine, we were too damn busy gorging on candy and mashed potatoes and more candy to type.

Have you ever tried to type with sticky candy fingers? It isn’t pretty. My keyboard looks more like a toddler teething toy than a MacBook.

Anyway, sometime within the last 48 hours or so, 2012 happened. And it’s common to make a resolution every new year in order to better oneself.

However, I think we’re all pretty fucking perfect around here. So our only resolution is to eat less bad food. And by “bad,” I mean “not tasty.”

Happy fucking new year, readers. Here’s a picture of my Trader Joe’s gingerbread house for you. You see my husband, the King of Awesome, on the roof hanging lights. My Dog of Awesome is on the side pooping, see the candy poop? And to up the ante, there was actually a flame coming out of the chimney thanks to some Southern Comfort, but the blue light didn’t show up in the picture. Just believe me that it’s there.

What you don't see is the candy orgy inside of the house.

 

 

Yep. The holidays are here.

29 Nov

Aside from the usual tell-tale holiday signs like Christmas music, colored lights, pop-up Christmas tree lots and santa hats (which, by the way,  look ridiculous on everyone including dogs), I know the holidays are here because Trader Joe’s is full of even more delicious snacks than ever.

You may remember my fanatical post around this time last year about the Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels. And my subsequent heartache at not being able to find them ever again despite scouring every Trader Joe’s in the LA area.

But after lusting for these dark creamy beauties for 341 days, I was ready for them this year. When I saw them on the shelf, I grabbed 2. Then another 2. And ANOTHER 2. Then I put 2 back out of guilt. But when the lady next to me started to reach her hand toward the shelf, I lost it and crammed the 4 remaining boxes on the shelf into my basket. Sorry random lady in the El Segundo Trader Joe’s but I was here FIRST.

I rationalized my greed because 6 out of the 8 boxes were for gifts. One is coming with me this weekend for The Queen of Awesome. One is going to my sister in Toronto. The recipients of other 4 are yet to be determined. I bet I can get at least $8 a box for them on eBay.

If you want some, you better go out and get them now because I’m not giving you any of mine. Holiday spirit be damned.

Mine. ALL MINE!

On a side note, if you’re looking for a new salad dressing, I highly recommend the Spicy Peanut Vinaigrette.

Turbaconepicentipede

22 Nov

Well, the boys over at Epic Meal Time have expanded upon their already insane Turbaconepic.

This year to celebrate giving thanks to the Pilgrims, they’ve evolved their Frankensteined combo of cornish game hens, chickens, pigs, and quail to create an ass-to-mouth sensation that only Epic Meal Time could dream up.

The Turbaconepicentipede.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the whole “Human Centipede” concept, I am extremely jealous of you. For those who know about it and can actually joke about it without vomiting (I, as crass and gross as I am, cannot), you can already imagine what a Turbaconepicentipede is.

It clocks in at 80,252 calories and 6,892 grams of fat. Not that anyone could eat the entire thing by himself anyway. But if you’re eating a 2,000 calories a day diet, it could sustain you for over 40 days.

Fuck, I’m going to puke all over my keyboard just thinking about this. Those pigs must be horribly ashamed. At least they’re dead.

“Potable Calorie Bombs” or “No Shit, Sherbert”

17 Nov

I just came across an article about the top ten holiday drinks to avoid based on calories and fat.

And my response is basically: Uh … how about all of them?

Because if you’re a functioning human being, you should know even the basics about calories and fat and what makes your heart clog. And you should know that pretty  much everything that tastes good and sweet is terrible for you.

Cookies are fucking fantastic, and are therefor bad for you. Twix bars are heavenly, and will kill you before you wrinkle. Ice cream deserves a shrine, but it will turn you into a fat, gooey mountain.

So DUH! If you’re sucking down a double egg nog latte with chocolate shavings and extra whipped cream, you’re basically drinking a boiled ice cream sundae … which is fattening!

Save yourself the time and just eat a scoop of shortening, you idiot fuck.

To pretend that any frothy, foamy holiday drink is any different from a melted milkshake is telling yourself a fucking lie.

It’s as if the straw magically makes it healthy. But the straw doesn’t magically make it healthier! If anything, it makes you more pathetic. BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO GODDAMN LAZY TO CHEW!

This shit makes me so mad. Do we really have to tell people that something called the Pumpkin Pie Shake will definitely be loaded with fat? IT’S CALLED A FUCKING PUMPKIN PIE SHAKE! Pumpkin pie is fattening! I fucking love pie, I love it more than anybody, and I know that crust (butter and flour), pie filling (sugar and sugar and sugar) are on the get-bigger-pants-now list.

It’s the old joke about the person at the McDonald’s counter who orders a Big Mac, fries, Super Sizes it, then gets a Diet Coke. You’re not fooling anyone except for yourself.

McDonald’s has a secret menu. Super secret.

14 Nov

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this yet.

A few years ago, I about threw up I was laughing so hard when I heard about the McGangbang at McDonald’s.

It’s a McChicken sandwich inside of a Double Cheeseburger. From top to bottom:

  1. Bread
  2. Sauce/Cheese
  3. Meat
  4. Bread
  5. Sauce
  6. Lettuce
  7. Chicken
  8. Bread
  9. Sauce
  10. Cheese
  11. Meat
  12. Bread

Shoving one sandwich inside of another sandwich and then shoving that into your hole. Count me in, even though I don’t even eat meat. In fact, I just want to watch someone else eat it. Talk about kinky.

There are many accounts of people actually ordering this meaty monstrosity by name … and then the McDonald’s employees actually giving them both sandwiches! (Of course, they must remain diplomatic and don’t recognize that McDonald’s food has been referenced in a crazy sex act.)

Would you try a McGangbang? And if so, will you video your experience and send it to me?

In 'N' Out may have cool secrets, but they'll never have the McGangbang.

Something is wrong. I don’t want candy.

1 Nov

Yesterday was Halloween. In other words, THE GREATEST FUCKING DAY EVER.

Because on Halloween, it’s perfectly acceptable to be a grown-ass grownup and gorge on sweets until you pass out in a heap of wrappers.

In fact, it’s expected. Parents have told me they go through their kids candy after the little ones go to sleep and take out their favorites. Other homeowners have divulged that they buy the better candy with hopes that they get hardly any trick-or-treaters, so they can keep it all to themselves. And all of the best candies are so conveniently packaged in tiny bite-size form, just so you can snack on them throughout the day.

So why did a sugar-addicted, candy-craving, chocoholic like me dump the entire contents of my candy bowl into the pillow cases of ten teenagers? Without stashing at least a handful in a nearby drawer first?

I don’t know.

This year, I just wan’t into all of the candy. At least not this week. Last week, all I wanted were tiny Twix bars, itty bitty Snickers, and a stash of Wint-o-Green Lifesavers.

But on Halloween? It all just looked like crap to me.

Even today! I know I should be noshing on nougat and chewing on caramels. But I don’t want them. I have no desire to snack on suckers or put dents in Dum-Dums. As the people around me enjoy the saccharine perks of office candy jars and tables covered in leftover treats, I just hide in front of my computer and wait for my salty lunch.

This is not right. Am I fucking dying?

 

I will throw McDonalds-hot coffee all over you.

25 Oct

My little sister, Jackmama DiCaprio, loves her Keurig coffee machine thing. And she blogs about it constantly on her Tumblr.

20111025-093731.jpg

And the other day, some hoity-toity bitchface insulted her.

20111025-093828.jpg

Hey, Coffee Cunt, don’t use the anonymity of the Internet to insult my kid sister. I’ll fuck you up. When you least expect it, you’re getting a steaming cup of cappuccino in your fucking eye.

That is all.

***
And, yes, for the record, I was watching the “Walking Dead” webisodes and looking to rent some Nikon lenses. Both websites are welcome for the free props.

I made homemade pretzels. Meanwhile, the bread machine rots in Hell.

2 Oct

The King of Awesome and I are in a Supper Club, because we like excuses to eat at excess.

And when dinner is a potluck, we don’t spend as much money.

So this last weekend, we were the hosts. And since it’s now Oktober (yes, with a K—wait for it), our theme was Oktoberfest (there it is).

Beer brats (veggie for me), schnitzel, Reisling, and lingonberry sauce.

And I got the insane idea to make homemade soft pretzels.

I debated making them for about two weeks since I sort of have a history with bread making. But I had to keep reminding myself that when I dropped the evil bread machine, making bread was a stress free experience.

So I took the plunge, literally (did you know you dip raw pretzels in boiling water before baking?) and the results were soft, chewy, salty, and yummy in my awesome,

I highly suggest that you make your own pretzels. They’re a really fun alternative to regular rolls. Plus, they’re a great excuse to eat more mustard!

20111002-100913.jpg

That's actually two pretzels in the photo. They're working on making baby pretzels.

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