All of our food is killing us while keeping us alive.

18 Apr

Fruits are genetically engineered.

Meat isn’t really meat anymore.

Dairy is mainly  mushed up hormones … that are artificial!

Anything cooked is like poison to your body.

What the fuck is wrong here?

All of this stuff I’m ingesting from food safety documentaries, the press, my friends, rings true … to a certain point. But enough is enough.

Fine. I’ll try to buy local produce, since apparently an apple isn’t really an apple after five days. Or I just think it seems silly to ship the same items back and forth.

And I’ve already got my husband eating meat from hippie farmers instead of the big, nasty name brands. Because I don’t want his balls to fall off.

And I’ll even make sure some food isn’t heated over 130 degrees, or what the fuck ever it is, so they maintain ultimate vitamin content. Or maybe just because I think they taste better raw.

But I can’t keep track of all of the food news anymore. I can’t keep comparing all of the warring scientific studies. And I’m not learned enough, unfortunately, and government-funded enough to run my own fucking experiments and grow my own crops.

So I try to be an educated consumer. But now I may be over saturated instead.

I do think it’s fucked up that buying a few pieces of fruit at the grocery store costs more than a fast food burger. There’s no excuse for that. I do think it’s strange that we get our vegetables from thousands of miles away. And I’m not wild about the fact that most of the food I eat has been dipped in bleach or is coated with some lab-created membrane (that I only recently found out about).

I’d provide you with all of the frightening links, but I’m kind of at a loss where to start.

I eat food to stay alive. That’s the real reason to eat. Despite how delicious food can be, it is meant to keep us breathing. However, much of today’s food also seems to be … I don’t want to say “killing us,” because we’d sooner die of starvation not eating it … not keeping us in as good of condition as we could be in.

And this angry (and hungry) little food blogger doesn’t even know how to start fixing this dilemma.

 

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Silence, food!

16 Apr

“Villians,” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed!—tear up the planks!—here, here!—it is the beating of his hideous heart!”

Perhaps using the last paragraph of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” is a bit dramatic when writing about the food in my desk, but the insanity it fosters in me is dramatic.

I simply can’t have food in my desk without wanting to eat it. Even if I’m not hungry, all I want to do is snack on those almonds or eat that bananna. Even if lunch was only an hour and a half ago and I am beyond satisfied.

It’s like I can hear the food calling out to me. I’m delicious, it coos. I’m healthy, it tells me. I’m right here, it finally says.

And it won’t be quiet until it’s good and in my stomach and dead.

Why is this? Why is just knowing food is around make me want to eat it? Am I not getting enough nutrients in my diet? Am I bored? Are there tiny bits of nicotine or other addicting substances added to my food?

It’s possible. Or it could just be the beating of that delicious heart.

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Hot dog-stuffed crust? You’ve crossed the line, Britain.

11 Apr

The Brits aren’t known for their stellar cuisine. They serve horrid stuff like mushy peas with mint and … well, to be honest I can’t get past that. Because peas are the worst food imaginable.

But then I happened across an article this morning about the newest Pizza Hut item on the east side of the pond: hot dog-stuffed crust pizza.

After jamming pizza crust with cheese and meat, is there really even a point to having the rest of the pizza? Why not just eat a hot dog?

Normally, I’m a huge fan of insanely gluttonous foods, even though they usually don’t follow my strict self-inflicted dietary restrictions.

The KFC Double Down: a breadless sandwich with two fried chicken breasts holding it together.

The Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos: a taco with a shell made out of the same artificial shit Doritos are made out of.

The McDonald’s McGangBang: an off-the-menu monstrosity featuring a McChicken sandwich stuffed inside of a double cheeseburger.

These foods make me laugh. And even though eating them every single day would no doubt kill you, a little indulgence after a particularly drunken night might actually be good for your soul.

But shoving a hotdog into pizza crust? It’s fucking insulting, really. Culinary treason!

Is this one of those examples of British humour? Something that we Americans wouldn’t understand? Is this really an elaborate Monty Python sketch?

I’m afraid not. It’s just another example that British food is pure shit. And that’s before you digest it.

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See you at the Big Texas Beer Fest.

9 Apr

It’s no secret that the folks here at Yummy Awesome Headquarters* are avid beer drinkers. And what better way to celebrate the beautiful science of brews than Big Texas Beer Fest?

This sudsy celebration is going to feature so many craft and micro brews, you’re going to need a bigger stomach.

So if you’re looking for something to do this Saturday in the Dallas area, or you just want to be amongst other beer nerds, take the train to Fair Park.

The fun starts at 1 (or noon if you get the VIP ticket) in the Automobile Building.

Get your tickets here.

And if you recognize any of the Yummy Awesome crew, be sure to say hi. We’ll gladly bang glasses with you.

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*There is no such thing as Yummy Awesome Headquarters.

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“Five Pounds of Chocolate” or “How Did I Avoid the Freshman Fifteen?”

3 Apr

Vintage Queen of Awesome. Anyone who knows me know will be shocked by my hair.

While living in the dorms, Dr. Brew and I were the most popular chicks on our floor.

Because we had a mother fucking five pound Hershey bar.

A friend’s parents gave it to me for Christmas that year. And when word got around on our all-female floor that the second room from the end of the hall had all that chocolate, we got many visitors.

Many visitors.

We’d be sitting at our computers–probably playing the Sims instead of writing essays, probably IMing each other from across the room–and there’d be a knock at the door. We wouldn’t even have to guess what that person wanted.

We let whoever it was enter. They’d see the gigantic Hershey wrapper, and they’d drool. “Want a piece?” one of us would ask while the other one hacked at the chocolate with a dull-as-hell butter knife.

Because the answer was always yes.

The gigantic Hershey bar didn’t tast any different than a regular-sized bar or a Hershey Kiss. It was just novel and funny.

But even with the help of 60+ women (and a handful of guy friends, we weren’t sexist) all feigning for that massive mound of milk chocolate, it took almost the entire semester to get rid of it.

I honestly don’t think I’ve had a regular Hershey bar since.

 

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I don’t even like Pepsi, but I was once a hopeless addict for Pepsi Twist.

28 Mar

Way back in 2002, Dr. Brew and I were sharing a dorm room, a food shelf, and a mini fridge. And one fateful day, she carried in a 12-pack of Pepsi Twist.

Please note that in the on-going battle (created by ad agencies more so than consumers) between Coke and Pepsi, I’ve always sided with the red can. After all, it’s so Uh-mer-can.

But there was something about adding lemon to soda, even if it was overly sweet Pepsi, that was intriguing to me. So we popped open a few cans, took some swigs, and addiction was born.

I went from drinking maybe a soda a month to guzzling down two or three a day. After I drank all of her Pepsi, I actually had to go buy some myself to replace it. I don’t think I had ever in my life purchased a multi-pack of pop. Yeah, I fucking said “pop” and I’m from Texas. Confused?

But that shit was so good. And I freaking needed it! I’ve never tried heroine, but I’m going to go balls out and say that it’s something like Pepsi Twist.

The whole thing was funny at first–two skinny freshman just giggling and drinking Pepsi Twist. But then we started neglecting our studies. Instead of writing our essays and prepping for tests, we’d just lay on the couch and suck Pepsi Twist through straws. Then we quit going to work, so paying for the Pepsi Twist proved difficult, but by  not spending money on food we managed to get by for a little while. Then we naturally had to turn to prostitution. As our teeth rotted from all of the corn syrup sweetener and our bones became brittle, all we could think about was our next lemony fix.

Eventually, when we awoke one day in a sticky soda puddle in an ally somewhere, one of us wised up and said, “We need to quit this shit.” So we did.

Then we discovered Vanilla Coke.

I have been Pepsi Twist sober for almost ten years now.

 

 

 

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I the words of Magnitude from “Community,” POP POP!

27 Mar

I can’t honestly tell you what the fuck an antioxidant is. I can tell you that you’re supposed to eat them like candy (but not really because apparently it’s bad to just eat candy like crazy).

I just recently read an article about how popcorn is so jam-packed with antioxidants that it makes hydrated fruits and vegetables look like cardboard.

Am I going to link to the article? Hell no. But you should trust me on this.

So go eat more popcorn. Just lay off the butter a bit, you know, so you don’t undo all of that good antioxidant goodness.

This is by far the worst Photoshopping I've ever done. Magnitude and popcorn, you deserve better.

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